Wake Me Up When September Ends: The Delusional Dreamer

There are a lot of things I refuse to let go of. My delusions are one of them.

Wake Me Up When September Ends by Green Day

I have a secret: the real reason I post vague quotes and lyrics as my status because I’m not bold enough to say what I’m really feeling. And for whatever reason, I don’t always feel comfortable just telling someone I’m sad about whatever because then I feel too whiny. So I spew it to the facebook world through words that aren’t mine, because I also have no idea how to say what I am really feeling in my own words. I remember several months ago, I got the idea for a character in the mess I call my novel to speak in quotes because he was too unsure of his own words. I later had the epiphany that essentially that character was turning into me.

Today wasn’t very fun. Not gonna’ lie. However, for every not so amazing day, there’s always a sad song. This is tonight’s anthem and tonight, I’m doing this for myself.

***

An unenthusiastic applause rose from the risers in the square little music room. A brown-haired girl handed the microphone over to a smiling woman with wavy hair. I clutched the side of the top row, perched on the edge in apprehension. Angelica looked up to me, wide-eyed, and swallowed hard. I let out a shaky breath as we nodded at each other. Mrs. Atchley smiled at us with her broad beam.

“Angelica? Shelby? Do you two wanna’ go next?” she asked.

We rose from our seats as all sixth grade eyes turned to us. I for one was thankful that there were only fifteen or so in the class. Since our portion of the choir was relatively small, we all knew each other. However, when I turned around to face each of them at the front of the class, it suddenly wasn’t so comforting anymore. Mrs. Atchley the microphone into my hand. I glanced around; apparently there was only one mic. I shoved it into Angelica’s hand and told her to hold it. We both took a deep breath and prepared ourselves mentally. I eyed the door.

Before I could consider bolting down the hallway, the music started. It was an acoustic riff that reminded me of all the times my dad used to sit on the coffee table and play his old guitar. We had decided to sing Wake Me Up When September Ends several weeks before, though I really don't remember why. It didn't hold much significance for me then. Another deep breath and the first note rang out and all I could hear was Angelica’s voice. Her confidence was drowning out my meek tone by the end of the second line. I had to step it up. I began to match my volume, but my intensity wasn’t the same. I didn’t care. By the time the electric guitar stepped in for the old acoustic, I felt the drum beat in my heart. I suddenly forgot everyone else in the room except for me and the girl I considered my best friend at the time.

We sang the words that suddenly held truth in our eyes. For me, I wasn’t just singing the same tired lyrics from the radio anymore. I actually listened to the words of an anthem about dreaming of a better future. They say that that's the epitome of an Aquarius and I had learned long ago that I was a Water Bearer.

When that last chord rung out, we looked at each other and everyone clapped. Angelica and I exchanged a smile and reluctantly gave up the mic before returning to our seats. I remember Angelica sang another duet with some other girl, but I didn’t care. I was happy. I had conquered my fear and suddenly, that song had me thinking of September. It must’ve been May at the time because Mrs. Atchley assigned us solos and duets towards the end of the year, well after our spring concert.

Little did I know what September would hold. It was probably the pivotal point in my life when I began to grow up, and actually started worrying about the future. Whether I met unknown tomorrows with eagerness or anxiety, I forevermore would be looking forward. When September Ends, goodness, what a thought! I wondered what fall would be like.

 My summer would be mostly boring and if I had known then what I know now, I would’ve wished to fall asleep until October. Things were great at Bebensee. I had built up a lot of great friends over the seven years I had spent there, and I never would’ve dreamed of it getting any better. However, when I look back at the times I had in those seven years, they were nothing compared to what was coming once the September of 2007 ended. Don’t get me wrong, that little elementary school produced some pretty amazing people I’m lucky enough to still call friends. You know who you are.

In the fall of 2007 I left Arlington Independent School District for good and began going to a private school in Forth Worth. Three years later, I found myself listening to this song, wishing September would end already. I was starting a new school again, and I wasn’t really nervous, I was just ready and looking forward to the better tomorrow I expected. I had spent an entire summer at Six Flags, and I still really felt like I didn’t know anyone yet (people actually started to know who I was in the fall). I wasn’t in the mood for anymore new people, and that was a kind of cruddy mood to have but nonetheless... Last summer, I was ready for September to be over because I had this stubborn delusion that things were just going to be absolutely wonderful past then and I wasn't going to have to lift a finger, at least once I got into the sing of things. And when they were simply okay and not totally amazing, I got frustrated.

It’s now March. March Fourth, two-thousand eleven to be exact. And suddenly, this song is my anthem again. More delusions I suppose, but this is something I can do something about. Today, I found a picture online that said “This is a wake up call. Do whatever it takes to get where you need to be. There’s still hope. Wake up.” I think that's going to be my new philosophy. In the song Blue Skies by Noah and the Whale, the third or so line says, "I'll do anything to be happy, because blue skies are coming." I've also been listening to that one a lot. I definitely recommend it for all your grey days.

Ever since two Septembers ago, I’ve been writing. Well, that’s sort of a lie. I’ve been writing since kindergarten, but never has it been this intense and constant. I always used to write in spurts, suddenly deciding on sporadic days that it’s time to pump out a short story or whatever. But ever since that one September that got me writing again, I haven’t stopped. Over the course of almost two years, I have started about thirteen different novels (and that is not an exaggeration, I counted) and failed miserably at finishing any of them. It’s hilarious really. And last year my new year’s resolution was to write a book, but I didn’t do so hot on that one either, seeing as just that year I changed the story I was writing twelve times.

In November of 2010 I like to think I struck gold. I spent a weekend in Washington State and that’s when the words started coming. I remember the first sentence that flew into my head, seemingly out of nowhere, the Sunday we were driving to the airport to go home. I wrote it down then glanced out the window at the passing forest and trees like nothing you would ever imagine here. I had found my muse; Washington was like something out of a dream. More words kept coming; plots and characters were coming out of nowhere! The craziest thing has been the dialogue. I guess it’s kind of insane to hear voices, but periodically my character’s dialogue just flies into my head. Conversations from nowhere. Maybe it is pretty insane, but I figure if I write it down, it’s just being creative.

I’d like to think that this is the novel I’m actually going to finish because I’ve been working on it for about four months now and I have more text for it than any of my previous works. I haven’t gotten bored yet, though my thoughts are in serious need of reorganization. What began with one sentence morphed into my greatest idea yet.

And there’s a reason I’m playing this song on repeat right now. My goal is to finish my book over Spring Break, God willing, of course. Maybe that’s wishful thinking, but if I buckle down I bet I can do it. I want to finish up my draft by summer break. During summer, I want to get a literary agent and start working towards getting my book published, if it isn’t just really horrible. Maybe it's silly, but it's my goal and I don't plan on giving up any time soon.

This is my biggest dream right now. It’s everything that I’m clinging to, and I’m too stubborn to give up now. I’m adamant on making this aspiration into reality. I’ve always wanted to be a writer, and nothing is going to stop me. Even if I never get a page published, I plan on writing until the day I die. I want to inspire the world with my words. I want to make my mark on this world, and it seems writing is the best way I know how.

So whenever times get rough, like tonight, I listen to this song and wonder if I can make my biggest dream come true by September. I often wonder where I’ll be by then. Who knows? Though I hope wherever it is, I’ll be happy. And if that’s a delusion, well get over it. I'm remined of another lyric from 1999 by Prince. "I was dreaming when I wrote this, so sue me if I go to fast."

I’m a dreamer. I’m not denying it. But I'm more than just that. I’m a determined, resolute, adamant, stubborn girl who believes in the beauty of her dreams and has faith in a Lord who is making her paths straight, I’m gonna’ make my dreams come true. I’m gonna change the world. And you are free to join me.

Btdub, the picture is mine. I took it in Downtown last weekend and I must say I'm pretty proud ;) And please excuse any horrific typos. It's currently one in the morning and I've been up since six.

I’m going to sleep now. Wake me up when September Ends.

May all your dreams be sweet, those that compose your sleep and those that make your aspirations.

-Shelby Dyan Scheuchl