Tell the world that I'm coming home...

So I've decided lately that music is my bandaid. Not that anything terribly horrendous has happened in my life lately. I've just found that whenever I'm feeling ehh, music picks me up.

I don't have any epic rhetoric for you tonight. I just feel like writing, so here it is: my thoughts thrown up into my blog.

I spent the week writing. All in all I wrote sixty-one pages, and that's single spaced, Times New Roman, 12 point, and on regular sized typing paper. So who knows what that translates into in the book world. I feel like I'm getting close to finishing though it's probably at least a hundred or so pages off. I had seventy-five pages done before Spring Break, and that took me five months. I buckled down and I'm sort of proud. Oh yeah, and I have a short little first chapter that I need someone to read and give me their opinion on. Let me know if you want to, I really need feedback because honestly the beginning is the sketchiest part of the whole story.

I spent most of the week in Dallas with mi padre. I got beat up by the cat. I saw I Am Number Four, which pretty much butchered the book... (Don't you just hate those "the movie was so much different than the book" nerds? I do. But let me tell you: the movie I Am Number Four was so much different than the book! Why?!) I also sat in Dallas traffic snapping pictures with hipstamatic, which I posted in an album on facebook. I had lunch with my aunt and cousins on my mom's side yesterday. I spent today at my cousin and aunt's birthday party, which consisted of sitting at the end of the table with my cousins chatting about whatever. I love them and I loved seeing my family this break. I never realize how much I miss them until I get home after spending hours with them. Like right now. I really miss my family.

I also got a job working with my aunt's party business in Houston. So that's exciting.

I bought two new cds. The first was Mumford and Sons, which I am very much obsessed with. The other bought was Civil Twilight, an alternative band from Cape Town, South Africa (I think). The lead singer sounds like Bono, but everything they write is really soulful and emotional and chill. I love it. Easily my new favorite.

Another song I've been listening to is Coming Home. I don't know why. I guess I've just realized lately that home isn't some distant place in the future. That's always been a delusion of mine. I've found though, that it's right here, right now with the people that you love. I realized that tonight. So I guess my home is where my family and friends are. That's where I'm happiest I suppose and nothing else really matters. And I guess that's what this song means to me.

I'm coming home.

Sleepyhead: Change

Change.

I keep bumping into that silly little word, stumbling over it in the darkness every night. Every time I see it, it snags me, and begs me to read into it, as if I should analyze its denotation. We all know what change means right? Good, then we’re on the same page. Think about it a second… what does change mean to you right now?

First let’s start with my connotations; these are the first things that come to mind whenever I see that worn out word. It typically depends on my mood. If the day has been so rough that I curse the very date I see on the calendar into oblivion, my initial thought borders along the lines of hatred. On days like those, I think of change as a rocketing train with no conductor, ready to jump the tracks at any moment with no obligation to recognize the innocents it would crush in its derailed path of destruction.  Change is the unstoppable factor that barrels past the present day. All you can do is watch as it destroys everything you had just begun to appreciate. On bad days, change is always remembered as the force that destroyed the good old days in a revolution you couldn’t control.

Some terrible days are different, at least for me, in that they leave me feeling determined. On days like those, I refuse to give up so easily. I’m convinced that things will get better. Thus, things have to change. It’s that it-can’t-possibly-get-any-worse mentality. I always figure that something’s gotta’ give eventually, that something really has to change. When you’re in that state of mind, things can get better, things can become great even. However, they can also get worse. Change is a two way street. Better or worse, change is going to happen.

“If you're in a bad situation, don't worry it'll change.  If you're in a good situation, don't worry it'll change.“

-John A. Simone, Sr.

That quote is painfully true. Of course, it’s great news for those of us that are currently wallowing in the way things are. And, if taken bluntly, it may seem like bad news to those who have it great now. You’re blessed if life is good currently, but don’t dismay! Just because things are going great today doesn’t mean they are, for sure, without a doubt going to suck soon. That’s not the point. My advice to those who are currently enjoying living it up is to appreciate it. Whether you like it or not, things will change. For better or for worse.

That’s not to say that everything is going to change. There’s at least one thing that we are sure will always remain constant. Ten points to whoever can guess what that our mystery constant is…

For Jesus doesn't change—yesterday, today, tomorrow, he's always totally himself.

Hebrews 13:8 The Message

If you guessed Jesus or God, you got it right. I’ve never written anything biblical on my blog before. Then again, since I first posted at the beginning of the year, I’ve been avoiding God. And there’s a reason for that, though it isn’t a very good one. I’ve been angry at Him for changing things for the worse, time and time again. It really seems like as soon as things even begin to look up, they change all over again. And that is the most irritating thing in the world. But from day one, I was expecting God to change it all. I guess I never guessed that maybe this was a test, and that maybe I was the thing that was meant to change all along.

Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

Romans 12:2 The Message

I wouldn’t really call what I’ve been doing “fitting in” but I’ve certainly been trying to squeeze into the mold society wants to push me into. I just want to belong somewhere, and if that means hiding my religion in my pocket, then so be it, right? God says, “nu-uh,” according to that passage. Maybe if I had been focusing on God all along instead of asking him to change my situation and let me “fit in” I would’ve been happy a long time ago.

It’s kind of amazing what I’m learning as I’m writing this. Up until about fifteen minutes ago, I thought my relationship with God was great. Up until fifteen minutes ago, I forgot that I had forgotten about God altogether. Hmmm. It explains so much. Why did I think I could do any of this alone?

My aunt got me a book for my birthday that she said was flying off the shelves at the bookstore. It’s called Do Hard Things and it was written Alex and Brett Harris, two Christian twins that are nineteen (I believe). They mention something they call a “rebolution” which they define as a “teenage rebellion against low expectations.” That’s sort of a different subject, but around the same time, we covered historical revolutions in my World History class. All of this got me thinking about revolutionaries and what it meant to be one. Let’s get the definition of that one…

Revolutionist -person who advocates or takes part in a sudden, complete or marked change in something

Lately, I’ve been focusing a lot on my dreams. Last year, about this time, my biggest dream was to work at Six Flags during the summer. I sort of scoff at that now seeing as my aspirations are so much larger. One of the biggest is to be a revolutionist. I want to change my world in any way I know how, but that’s proving harder and harder each day seeing as I can’t even seem to change my life.

This whole post has sort of ranted and rambled, but I don’t really care. I have a point, I promise. And that is this: whether things are going great or not, they’ll change. And sometimes you have to be that change; sometimes you have to be your own revolutionist. Sometimes you’re the thing that needs to change. And all in all, we can change our world, God willing. It’s amazing how a God so unchanging can change our world so easily.

So, my very dear friends, don't get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures.

James 1:16-18 The Message

If things aren’t going great, trust in God that they’ll get better. Draw closer to him so that if you’re the thing that needs to be changed, He can make the shift within you. Don’t just amble along, waiting for things to get better, whining until they do as you stubbornly believe you’re perfect the way you are.

If things are going great, thank God for it. Take the time to grow close to Him so that you can have a firm foundation if things do get tough eventually. You were never promised that life would be a cake walk, but you should enjoy it when it’s beautiful.

I didn’t have a song specifically set for this blog to be about, but after I searched my ipod for any music with the word “change” in it, Sleepyhead by Passion Pit came up. I imagine it’s because the album is Chunk of Change but whatever. At first I thought, “yeah, this song has nothing to do with this post.” But in actuality, on further examination of the words I realized it kind of does. You can interpret them the way you like, but after a google search I found someone that pointed it out as having the vague meaning of giving up your troubles. The words are pretty sporadic and confusing, so I guess it really is open to interpretation.

Nevertheless, I have a single memory tied to this song. It’s a short one though. One night, I was listening to this song and I made a vow to myself to never stop writing and take change as it comes. That was two years ago, and though I’ve resisted change many times since then, I’m proud to say I’ve never stopped writing.

This song is also very appropriate as I really need sleep right now.

P.S. The pic is once again mine. I took it on the front lawn in Oak Cliff this weekend. The hula hoopers for the Mardi Gras parade started showing up about three hours before the actual thing started. They looked colorful so I snapped a picture with hipstamatic. I love that app.

Hope you enjoyed my rambling. Goodnight!

Wake Me Up When September Ends: The Delusional Dreamer

There are a lot of things I refuse to let go of. My delusions are one of them.

Wake Me Up When September Ends by Green Day

I have a secret: the real reason I post vague quotes and lyrics as my status because I’m not bold enough to say what I’m really feeling. And for whatever reason, I don’t always feel comfortable just telling someone I’m sad about whatever because then I feel too whiny. So I spew it to the facebook world through words that aren’t mine, because I also have no idea how to say what I am really feeling in my own words. I remember several months ago, I got the idea for a character in the mess I call my novel to speak in quotes because he was too unsure of his own words. I later had the epiphany that essentially that character was turning into me.

Today wasn’t very fun. Not gonna’ lie. However, for every not so amazing day, there’s always a sad song. This is tonight’s anthem and tonight, I’m doing this for myself.

***

An unenthusiastic applause rose from the risers in the square little music room. A brown-haired girl handed the microphone over to a smiling woman with wavy hair. I clutched the side of the top row, perched on the edge in apprehension. Angelica looked up to me, wide-eyed, and swallowed hard. I let out a shaky breath as we nodded at each other. Mrs. Atchley smiled at us with her broad beam.

“Angelica? Shelby? Do you two wanna’ go next?” she asked.

We rose from our seats as all sixth grade eyes turned to us. I for one was thankful that there were only fifteen or so in the class. Since our portion of the choir was relatively small, we all knew each other. However, when I turned around to face each of them at the front of the class, it suddenly wasn’t so comforting anymore. Mrs. Atchley the microphone into my hand. I glanced around; apparently there was only one mic. I shoved it into Angelica’s hand and told her to hold it. We both took a deep breath and prepared ourselves mentally. I eyed the door.

Before I could consider bolting down the hallway, the music started. It was an acoustic riff that reminded me of all the times my dad used to sit on the coffee table and play his old guitar. We had decided to sing Wake Me Up When September Ends several weeks before, though I really don't remember why. It didn't hold much significance for me then. Another deep breath and the first note rang out and all I could hear was Angelica’s voice. Her confidence was drowning out my meek tone by the end of the second line. I had to step it up. I began to match my volume, but my intensity wasn’t the same. I didn’t care. By the time the electric guitar stepped in for the old acoustic, I felt the drum beat in my heart. I suddenly forgot everyone else in the room except for me and the girl I considered my best friend at the time.

We sang the words that suddenly held truth in our eyes. For me, I wasn’t just singing the same tired lyrics from the radio anymore. I actually listened to the words of an anthem about dreaming of a better future. They say that that's the epitome of an Aquarius and I had learned long ago that I was a Water Bearer.

When that last chord rung out, we looked at each other and everyone clapped. Angelica and I exchanged a smile and reluctantly gave up the mic before returning to our seats. I remember Angelica sang another duet with some other girl, but I didn’t care. I was happy. I had conquered my fear and suddenly, that song had me thinking of September. It must’ve been May at the time because Mrs. Atchley assigned us solos and duets towards the end of the year, well after our spring concert.

Little did I know what September would hold. It was probably the pivotal point in my life when I began to grow up, and actually started worrying about the future. Whether I met unknown tomorrows with eagerness or anxiety, I forevermore would be looking forward. When September Ends, goodness, what a thought! I wondered what fall would be like.

 My summer would be mostly boring and if I had known then what I know now, I would’ve wished to fall asleep until October. Things were great at Bebensee. I had built up a lot of great friends over the seven years I had spent there, and I never would’ve dreamed of it getting any better. However, when I look back at the times I had in those seven years, they were nothing compared to what was coming once the September of 2007 ended. Don’t get me wrong, that little elementary school produced some pretty amazing people I’m lucky enough to still call friends. You know who you are.

In the fall of 2007 I left Arlington Independent School District for good and began going to a private school in Forth Worth. Three years later, I found myself listening to this song, wishing September would end already. I was starting a new school again, and I wasn’t really nervous, I was just ready and looking forward to the better tomorrow I expected. I had spent an entire summer at Six Flags, and I still really felt like I didn’t know anyone yet (people actually started to know who I was in the fall). I wasn’t in the mood for anymore new people, and that was a kind of cruddy mood to have but nonetheless... Last summer, I was ready for September to be over because I had this stubborn delusion that things were just going to be absolutely wonderful past then and I wasn't going to have to lift a finger, at least once I got into the sing of things. And when they were simply okay and not totally amazing, I got frustrated.

It’s now March. March Fourth, two-thousand eleven to be exact. And suddenly, this song is my anthem again. More delusions I suppose, but this is something I can do something about. Today, I found a picture online that said “This is a wake up call. Do whatever it takes to get where you need to be. There’s still hope. Wake up.” I think that's going to be my new philosophy. In the song Blue Skies by Noah and the Whale, the third or so line says, "I'll do anything to be happy, because blue skies are coming." I've also been listening to that one a lot. I definitely recommend it for all your grey days.

Ever since two Septembers ago, I’ve been writing. Well, that’s sort of a lie. I’ve been writing since kindergarten, but never has it been this intense and constant. I always used to write in spurts, suddenly deciding on sporadic days that it’s time to pump out a short story or whatever. But ever since that one September that got me writing again, I haven’t stopped. Over the course of almost two years, I have started about thirteen different novels (and that is not an exaggeration, I counted) and failed miserably at finishing any of them. It’s hilarious really. And last year my new year’s resolution was to write a book, but I didn’t do so hot on that one either, seeing as just that year I changed the story I was writing twelve times.

In November of 2010 I like to think I struck gold. I spent a weekend in Washington State and that’s when the words started coming. I remember the first sentence that flew into my head, seemingly out of nowhere, the Sunday we were driving to the airport to go home. I wrote it down then glanced out the window at the passing forest and trees like nothing you would ever imagine here. I had found my muse; Washington was like something out of a dream. More words kept coming; plots and characters were coming out of nowhere! The craziest thing has been the dialogue. I guess it’s kind of insane to hear voices, but periodically my character’s dialogue just flies into my head. Conversations from nowhere. Maybe it is pretty insane, but I figure if I write it down, it’s just being creative.

I’d like to think that this is the novel I’m actually going to finish because I’ve been working on it for about four months now and I have more text for it than any of my previous works. I haven’t gotten bored yet, though my thoughts are in serious need of reorganization. What began with one sentence morphed into my greatest idea yet.

And there’s a reason I’m playing this song on repeat right now. My goal is to finish my book over Spring Break, God willing, of course. Maybe that’s wishful thinking, but if I buckle down I bet I can do it. I want to finish up my draft by summer break. During summer, I want to get a literary agent and start working towards getting my book published, if it isn’t just really horrible. Maybe it's silly, but it's my goal and I don't plan on giving up any time soon.

This is my biggest dream right now. It’s everything that I’m clinging to, and I’m too stubborn to give up now. I’m adamant on making this aspiration into reality. I’ve always wanted to be a writer, and nothing is going to stop me. Even if I never get a page published, I plan on writing until the day I die. I want to inspire the world with my words. I want to make my mark on this world, and it seems writing is the best way I know how.

So whenever times get rough, like tonight, I listen to this song and wonder if I can make my biggest dream come true by September. I often wonder where I’ll be by then. Who knows? Though I hope wherever it is, I’ll be happy. And if that’s a delusion, well get over it. I'm remined of another lyric from 1999 by Prince. "I was dreaming when I wrote this, so sue me if I go to fast."

I’m a dreamer. I’m not denying it. But I'm more than just that. I’m a determined, resolute, adamant, stubborn girl who believes in the beauty of her dreams and has faith in a Lord who is making her paths straight, I’m gonna’ make my dreams come true. I’m gonna change the world. And you are free to join me.

Btdub, the picture is mine. I took it in Downtown last weekend and I must say I'm pretty proud ;) And please excuse any horrific typos. It's currently one in the morning and I've been up since six.

I’m going to sleep now. Wake me up when September Ends.

May all your dreams be sweet, those that compose your sleep and those that make your aspirations.

-Shelby Dyan Scheuchl